This is what living like this does
by TheLove000Kill
Summary: MatsudaLight::  Matusda stays at Light's apartment for a few nights when Misa leaves.  Could Light be lusting for Matsuda?
1. Slowly falls apart

Matsuda could feel the hot breath on his neck, soft lips making their way down lower… lower… Matsuda moaned softly, hearing something strange in the back of his mind. What the heck was that? Was someone trying to talk to him, it almost sounded like…

"Light-kun?" Matsuda's dream world came crashing down around him as he opened his eyes, groggily and slowly he took in his surroundings, he was in Light's apartment. It took him a moment to realize Light was standing right in front of him "Ah, Matsuda, you're awake. You fell asleep here while everyone was discussing the Kira case, I thought I'd let you sleep." Matsuda yawned, rubbing his eyes he sat up "how long have I been here?" "Only a few hours, it's close to 2 a.m., if you want you can stay here the rest of the night."

Of course Light couldn't be bluntly inconsiderate to Matsuda, the only guy dumb enough to follow him so blindly without question. Light wasn't complaining obviously, it's always nice to have someone around when the rest of the task force was gone. Misa still lived with Light, but she wasn't good company. She's a ditsy dumb blonde, who was an unfortunate necessity in Light's mind. Not like Matsuda was as ingenious as L has been, but at least he wasn't annoying.

"I'd love if I could stay" Matsuda replied with his usual big overly happy smile. "Are you thirsty?" Light asked, pouring himself some coffee in attempt to stay awake. "Sure"

The rest of the night Light and Matsuda talked about small things, Light mostly avoiding the Kira case, he'd heard enough for one day, but he couldn't help from asking "Matsuda, what exactly are your views about Kira?" "Well obviously since I'm trying to catch him… I don't think I agree with everything he does, I mean the crime rates have dropped and everything, but I don't think he should just kill people what if they're innocent? I don't know, a lot of people agree with some of Kira's actions but if I had the chance… I'd kill myself, bang." Matsuda said it almost jokingly; he even smiled as he uttered the last words. "I agree completely." Light avoided looking Matsuda in the face, hearing something so cold from someone so… un-serious was slightly unnerving.

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The next morning Matsuda was still snoring on the couch as Light awoke. He walked over to the couch to shake the older man awake. Matsuda jumped up, startled from the touch "Ah, Light! You scared me! Is it morning already?" "No Matsuda, it's the middle of the afternoon, maybe you should go do some research on the case, that's what your assignment was right?" After about 2 minutes of thinking Matsuda finally responded, "Ohhhhh yea, oh my god! I'm sorry I'll get right on it and uhhh, I'll just stop by later tonight and give you all my papers I've been working on!" he blurted out quickly, jumping up and heading towards the door.

Light sighed, shaking his head as Matsuda exited the apartment. He furrowed his eyebrows feeling a slight headache coming on "LIGHT-KUN!" _great, Misa was finally awake now also _"Light-kun, Matsu finally left? Oh darn, I was going to see if he could be my body guard tonight, I'm going to phar-tay!" "MisaMisa, wouldn't it be smarter to bring along someone slightly stronger than Matsuda to defend you, for example: everyone else in the task force." "Hmmm. Okay fine, I'll just get Mogi even though he's a party pooper. Wellll, I'll be back tomorrow so don't wait up for me tonight!"

Light sighed as Misa also left. Finally alone time. He didn't get very much peace anymore, he liked having privacy and getting time to think. Before he knew it though he was dozing off on the couch, the lack of sleep from previous night finally kicking in.

---

Light woke up to a loud, very irritating pounding. He could only imagine it being two things, Misa got drunk and lost the keys to the apartment, or Matsuda had returned. He hoped to god it wasn't the first considering she was supposed to be gone for at least 2 nights. He stumbled towards the door and unlocked it, thank god on the other side stood Matsuda. "Hi Light, I brought the research for you, sorry that's all I could get this week" "Thank you Matsuda, would you like to come in?" "Sure!" Matsuda replied cheerfully, god Light didn't understand how someone could be a constant ball of happy. "Something wrong Light, you look like you've had a bad day maybe?" Matsuda helped himself to the fridge and grabbed himself a coke. "No, I'm just tired, since Misa left I finally got some sleep."

Matsuda couldn't help but giggle a little, thinking about just exactly how MisaMisa could have deprived Light from his sleep. Looking up though he couldn't help but think, Light had such cold, intelligent eyes, they lacked emotion and passion. It was almost sad, how could someone go through their whole lives that coldly. "Mastuda?" Light gave Matsuda an awkward look as Matsuda realized that he'd been staring blankly at Light's eyes. He looked quickly down at the floor, it was weird, but Light's eyes looked almost sad that night. "Light?" "Yea Matsu." "Do you like me?" "…"

Only one word came to Light at that moment. AWKWARD. "Oh no, I mean, as a person and a friend. Sorry it was random" Light sighed under his breath "Of course, I wouldn't have you around if I didn't like you." Light's words were always so blunt and lacked compassion, even Matsuda could tell that almost every time Light said something halfway descent to him, it felt like a lie. Matsuda had never really got upset about someone not caring before but he felt so sad and struck down just thinking about the fact that he could never get closer to the younger man on any level. At that moment he felt so defeated and hurt. He felt his lip shake a little before he broke down, falling to the cold tiled floor, crying. "Mutsuda!" Light was slightly taken aback and for once, had no idea what to do or think. He kneeled down placing his hands on Matsuda's shoulders "Matsuda…" he said his name, for the very first time, softly. "Light, I'm sorry… I feel so worthless…" Matsuda wiped at his face, Light's hands felt warm and nice at that moment, and for the first time Matsuda just felt… content.

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CHAPTER 1 END

Wow, okay so the first chapter was just trying to get everything out there as far as Matsuda's perception on things. I didn't expect it to be this long when I started, but the other chapters won't be as slow as far as getting into the story.

I'll post a new chapter after I get a few reviews, and just a warning but the later chapters will have some graphic content.


	2. Wishful thinker with the worst intention

"Matsuda." Light said his name in an almost irritated voice "Don't ever say that, okay?" Light wrapped his arms around the older man, pulling him into his chest "You know out of everyone on the task force you're the closest to me" It was weird seeing Matsuda in such a state, sad and hurt, though it was the last thing Light wanted from Matsuda he couldn't help but feel slightly more powerful when he hugged the other male. He'd never noticed exactly how much he had Matsuda wrapped around his fingers, it made Light feel like he could do what ever he wanted because he could control this person. He almost smiled at the thought as he got to his feet to help Matsuda up.

"Light, I'm sorry maybe I should just leave" Matsuda said as he pulled himself up from the floor. "You aren't in any state to drive, go sit down and I'll get you a drink so you can calm down a little" Matsuda sighed in response "okay, thank you" he made his way to the couch, drying his face and trying to regain his composure.

Once alone in the kitchen Light leaned his back against the wall, he hadn't realized it until that moment but touching Matsuda and seeing him so vulnerable had turned him on quite a bit. He'd never thought about how easy it was for him to completely control and dominate the older male. Light shook his head slightly, trying to rid himself of such thoughts as he searched through the fridge before finding what he'd been looking for, the vodka. Thank god Misa stocked the fridge with alcohol every night, Light needed a relief from the whole day.

He quickly mixed the vodka with some cheap mint flavoring he'd found in the cupboards before going out into the living room to give Matsuda his glass. "Thank you Light" Matsuda smiled happily, practically back to himself already. "Oh, I found something to watch, don't know if you'd like it but it's one of those old sci-fi horror films." Light hated old sci-fi horror movies, but since he was drinking he'd probably forget it was even on.

---

After a few drinks Light was finally starting to lose perception of things, while Matsuda hadn't even finished a single glass due to the fact he'd been to busy watching his movie.

It seemed like the more Light drank, the more he found himself glancing over at Matsuda, and the more he found himself completely turned on. God how he wanted to touch Matsuda at that moment, the thought made him laugh a little. "Hmm, did you say something Light?" Matsuda didn't even take his eyes from the tv, it was showing a gruesome and cheaply done monster murder scene.

"Matsuda" Light didn't really know what he was going to say after the name came out, he only had one thing on his mind at that exact moment. He leaned over and turned Matsuda's face towards his own. He felt the older man's soft, warm breath on his lips, his stomach grew instantly hot. He pressed his lips to Matsuda's forcingly as he attempted to push the older man onto his back. Matsuda resisted though, pulling away from Light as he was thrown to his back. Light crawled on top of Matsuda as the older man struggled to comprehend the situation "Light, stop it!" he placed his hands firmly on Light's chest in attempt to push him off "You're drunk Light"

But Light understood what was happening, in his mind he barely felt drunk at all "No Matsuda, I've been wanting this for so long, please" Matsuda furrowed his eyebrows, Light couldn't tell if it was anger or confusion but he grabbed Matsuda's hands and pinned them next to his body. He leaned forward and pressed his tongue to Matsuda's neck, licking and biting. "Light, please stop" Light brought his lips next to Matsuda's ear to gently whisper to him

"Matsuda I've wanted you for so long, I've always liked you. I love you, Matsuda, I want to be inside you" "Light…" Matsuda struggled to think of something to say, he knew by looking at Light's cold eyes he was probably lying, but it was so nice to be told we was loved. "Light, please say that again, say you love me" "I love you" Light said it tenderly. I was so easy, he had Matsuda exactly where he wanted him.

Matsuda brushed his hand gently through Light's hair as Light pressed his lips to his. He gently licked Matsuda's bottom lip as Matsuda opened his mouth to kiss Light more deeply. He felt Light's hand slowly undoing has pants and couldn't help but lean his hips forward, trying to get Light to touch him. Light couldn't help from smile as he sat up to pull Matsuda's pants and boxers off. God, he had such a perfect, untouched body and Light wanted to violate every part of it.

Light quickly stripped off his belt and began getting his own clothes off. He knew Misa had a stash of massage oil she kept in the living room, every night she begged Light for a backrub with it, where did she put it though? Hmm, that's right, under the couch where no one on the task force could see it. Light reached around under the couch and found it instantly. He opened it and poured a little on his hand. He leaned forward to press his body against Matsuda and kiss him softly on the lips, he rubbed the oil onto Matsuda's entrance before sliding in a finger.

Matsuda gasped, the feeling slightly uncomfortable and painful "Mmm, Matsuda" Light moaned his name before inserting a second finger. He stretched them apart, knowing he probably wouldn't last too long, Matsuda was so hot and tight. After letting the older man adjust to the feeling he pulled his fingers out, once again grabbing the oil. He poured a descent amount onto himself.

Finally, the moment he'd been wanting the whole night. He shoved himself inside Matsuda to feel that overwhelming heat. "Ah, Light!" Matsuda screamed his name and Light felt himself more turned on then ever. "Matsuda, say my name again" Light demanded, thrusting into Matsuda "Light.. ahh, Light" Matsuda gripped the couch fiercely, the pain was overwhelming and Light was showing no mercy. "Matsuda, touch yourself for me"

Matsuda did as he was told and began masturbating; he was so close to the edge already. Light kissed Matsuda deeply, moaning into his mouth as he came. Matsuda came right after, completely out of breath.

The two lay there for a while, Light wanting to feel that intense heat just a little longer. He finally pulled out and rested his head on Matsuda's chest. Matsuda wrapped his gently around Light "I love you" "I love you too"

It was strange because when Light said it that time, he truly felt like he might actually be falling in love… with Matsuda.

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CHAPTER TWO END

Okay, I knew people would be wanting a sex scene soon so I got it over with in this chapter, obviously. I think the third chapter will be getting the story out a little more, once I get some good reviews I'll post it.


	3. It's you I can't deny

Light removed himself from the couch to pick up his clothes and redress himself, Matsuda doing the same. "Matsuda, would you want to sleep in my room with me tonight?" Matsuda blinked at Light, a pure dumb look on his face "wow, really?! I'd absolutely love to!" he flashed Light a huge smile as he walked… no, more like halfway skipped, to the bedroom. He flopped onto the bed, letting out a huge sigh, Light's bed was surprisingly comfortable.

Light followed after the older man "move over" he demanded as he took his place on the right side of the bed. Matsuda instantly cuddled into Light, his stomach tingled just touching him. Light gave the other man a small, warm smile as he kissed his forehead "night Light-kun" "Good night Matsuda"

Matsuda fell asleep instantly while Light found it very, very hard to concentrate on sleeping. He couldn't stop thinking about everything that'd happened that day. Of all the people he'd used, he never gave a damn. So why the hell did feel this way for Matsuda today? He was completely angry and confused at himself. Could he really have an honest relationship with the older man… he'd seduced so many people so easily, including Matsuda, he couldn't develop feelings for Matsuda, the last thing he wanted was for him to be involved in his personal life, that was dangerous.

Ever since Light first met Matsuda he'd devised his plan to kill him, and every time he was close to getting rid of the task force he'd been stopped. That thought struck Light hard, killing Matsuda. Could he kill Matsuda. He looked at the man that was curled up into him, sleeping peacefully.

"Matsuda" he whispered quietly "I love you" his throat knotted up saying those words, but he soon closed his eyes and fell asleep.

---

Misa walked in the apartment the next morning, happy as ever. She couldn't wait to say hi to her Light. She strutted into the room to find Matsuda curled into Light, snoring contently. "Aww, how cute, Matsu must've passed out in here watching TV or something"

Misa giggled, she walked over and shook Matsuda awake "matsu?" "OH MY GOD!" Matsuda yelled when he saw MisaMisa standing beside him "This isn't what it looks like! I uhhh, had work and I uhm, brought it to Light of course and… now… I have more work to go to… so ummm, don't get mad, I'll go to work now, no more sleeping in Light's bed I am sorry" his words were jumbled as he spoke hastily, making his way towards the door. Misa stood there, thoroughly confused, trying to comprehend what he was trying to say "Okay Matsu… good bye?" "bye bye" with that the door closed and the apartment was awkwardly quiet.

Light sat up, furrowing his eyebrows, where had Matsuda gone? Misa was here? Did she see anything? God, Light hated mornings.

"Misa, you're back so soon?" Misa smiled, giving Light a small peck on the cheek "Of course, I told you I'd be back" She walked out of the room and towards the kitchen. Light rubbed his forehead, a small headache coming on "Dammit" he really needed to get Misa out of the house more often.

He got out of bed, running his fingers through his hair to straighten it out "Misa?" "yes Light?" "Pull up Matsuda's address for me" Misa paused as if to think about it "Why?" "Personal reasons, it seems he's found some harmful information about the Kira case, I'm going to his place to discuss it and make sure he doesn't find out anything important." To Light that sounded like a dumb excuse, but thank god Misa was a dumb girl. "Ah, okay Light"

Misa did as she was told and pulled up the agents records, quickly finding Matsuda's address. Light got ready for the day and left the apartment in search of the place, luckily Light knew the area well enough to find it. He walked up to the door to knock, observing the area, Matsuda answered the door, completely confused when he saw Light's face "Umm, hi?" he moved away from the door, inviting the younger man in. From the outside the apartment looked small, but it was a fairly descent size from the inside. For someone with such a big personality, Matsuda's apartment was kind of bland, mostly white, there was a computer and a tv, a nice couch and a small table in the kitchen.

"Not to rude, but why are you here?" Matsuda asked as he turned to face Light. Light gently grabbed Matsuda's tie, pulling him closer he pressed his lips to the older man's. "I missed you when I woke up" though Matsuda smiled, in the back of his mind he still felt like Light was lying. Today though, his words seemed a little more sincere than usual, it was nice. Matsuda sighed deeply "Light, what about Misa" "Um, what about… Misa?" "Isn't she your girlfriend?"

"Well, that's a complicated question Matsuda…" before Light could say anything more Matsuda interrupted him, harshly yelling "god dammit Light, could you just give me a straight answer for once, stop acting like I don't know a fucking thing, I'm sick of seeing her with you, I'm sick of you… I'm so sick of you…" he held back tears as he tried catching his breath "I've wanted you for so long and now this? Well you can't fucking use me ever again so I want an answer right now choose either me or her." Light felt a tinge of anger from being yelled at, the same time he felt pure regret. Matsuda was jealous? Jealous of Misa, Light didn't even love Misa "Matsuda, of course I want you more than her, I chose you already didn't I?" Matsuda didn't reply though, he probably didn't even hear Light.

He was too hurt and frustrated and that exact moment to care what excuse Light was coming up with. He finally looked up when he felt like he could breath again, he could've died when he looked into Light's eyes. Those cold, hateful eyes seemed hurt. Matsuda didn't want to hurt Light though, that was the last thing he wanted "Light, i-I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking, I just want you to love me, just me"

"I understand, I'm sorry I didn't know she hurt you that much, trust me when I say that she doesn't mean anything. Matsuda I love you and only you." Matsuda sighed, relieved to hear those words, he closed his eyes, pulling Light into a tight hug. Light hugged Matsuda back, whispering softly in his ear "will you stay with me forever" Matsuda smiled thankfully "yes"

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CHAPTER 3 END

It's hard trying to make Matsuda have a serious side and keep him in character. I've had a lot of writers block through this chapter just because of the fact that it's very hard to make Matsuda sad while keeping him the same person. Gah $# I hope everyone else likes it though so far.

I'm debating how to get rid of Misa now, and I have to think of what chapter 4 should even be about. It'd help if anyone has some suggestions for the next chapter.


	4. Larger than life

Light's mind raced, he couldn't get close to Matsuda, he was destined to kill Matsuda. Light didn't need the older man, there was no way Matsuda could be a threat to Kira and he'd never proven to be very useful before. There was absolutely no reason for Light to get close to Matsuda, period.

_Matsuda, I want to hate you so bad, fuck. You're just getting started and I'm miserable, I didn't want it to mean that much to me. If he gets to close he could find out valuable information about Kira, but… _Light's mind buzzed with a million different thoughts "I'm sorry I have to go back to my apartment before Misa gets worried, the team will meet at my place again tonight so bring all of the information you have okay." Matsuda smiled happily in reply "Okay Light! Oh oh, but before you go, can I get a kiss?"

Light hesitated, not expecting the question at all "Um, sure… Matsuda" Light leaned into the older, slightly taller man and kissed him passionately. "Good bye Matsuda" "bye bye Light"

---

Light returned to his apartment, the day already wearing him out, even though he'd hardly done a thing. He sat down at his computer and brought up the prior week's research. Of course the team wasn't even close to catching Kira, Light made sure of that since he knew exactly what to hide from them. He sighed hearing Misa's footsteps padding their way towards him "What do you want Misa?"

"Oh well if you're gonna be snappy with me I'll just leave" She folded her arms across her chest, giving him a pouty face that was completely ignored. "Well, did you get what you needed at Matsuda's?" "Yes, Misa" Light answered bluntly "Ya know, I've noticed something about you two."

Light blinked, thinking about what she'd said, had that ditsy dumb blonde figured him out? She knew, oh god "What might that be?" he kept his voice calm "Wellll, Matsuda has this silly way of keeping you on the edge of your seat" she chuckled, walking out the door to resume what ever she'd been doing.

Light turned to make sure she'd left the room before leaning into his chair, he smiled softly at the comment.

Misa entered the kitchen, letting out a deep sigh. She really did love Light, but no matter how hard she tried there was one thing that dug into the back of her mind, her Light loved Matsuda. It wasn't hard to figure out after she found them in the same bed. If she told Light she knew, he'd probably dump her. She felt her eyes tear up as she stood in the middle of the tiled floor, not really sure why she'd gone in the kitchen in the first place anymore. She cried quietly in that spot _regardless that my stupid pictures don't line his wall, I'm sick of waiting for him to call me or tell me something nice, well I'm done with this. _She sighed deeply, walking back into Light's room.

Light turned to her "What this time, Misa?" hearing his dull words instantly pissed Misa off. She could feel her face get hot as she flung her hang out, slapping Light square in the face. "Ah shit, Misa, what the fuck is wrong with you, you crazy bitch" he halfway screamed, jumping to his feel "Light Yagami, you're so guilty it's disgusting, are you gonna use Matsuda too? I know he's been sneaking under your sheets and you're filthy hands have been places they probably shouldn't go." Misa yelled angrily, mercilessly. Light was taken aback, his eyes widened slightly but before he could get a word in Misa continued her rampage "Yea, don't worry sweetie, cause I already know." She stormed to the dresser grabbing a random pile of clothes and accessories she ran out the door crying.

She sat in her car for what could have been forever, holding her cell phone and staring at it _Even if it's the last time I'll ever see you I'll still wait for you to call Light_

Light screamed madly, throwing the blankets off the bed just for the hell of having something to throw. He stormed into the living room and sat on the couch, burying his face into his hands "That bitch, that fucking bitch" he couldn't believe someone like her spoke to someone like him like that, she had no right! No, this was all wrong, Light needed her, he needed those precious eyes. "Shiiit" he yelled some more, getting everything off his chest.

In Light's anger he threw mostly every object in the apartment onto the floor, not destroying anything but making one hell of a mess. He heard a knock on the door and struggled to calm down for a second. "WHO IS IT?" he hollered "IT'S MATSUDA!" he heard that god damned happy voice yelling.

Hopefully Matsuda could make him feel better, he opened the door "Jesus Light, what happened?" "Nothing. I guess this is what living like this does" Matsuda furrowed his eyebrows "Living like what Light?" Light sighed "Misa broke up with me" "Wait, she broke up with you?" "Yes, she found out about me liking you" Matsuda looked down half heartedly, not sure to be sad for Light or happy for himself.

Light smiled though, he even had the nerve to crack a joke "Better watch out, she'll destroy us all before she's through, and find a way to blame every body else" Matsuda laughed a little "Maybe we should clean up this mess?" he said, starting to pick up the couch cushions. "Matsuda, I learned something important today." "What's that?"

Light hugged Matsuda softly "I don't ever want to lose you, I'm so wrecked right now and for that simple reason, I promise to keep you in mind as something larger than life"

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CHAPTER END

Phew, a lot went on in this chapter… kinda. I hate making Light look like an asshole, but I liked the idea of it It'd be boring if I made them have a nice little break up or something, thought this would just be more entertaining, and finally Light is starting to respect Matsuda more.

If you noticed I refered to Matsuda as being taller than Light, which I found out Matsuda is 2" taller than Light. It says it in volume 13. I explained all of this on my profile if you haven't already read it.


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